08.07.02 video to Leonard Nimoy singing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"
You might want to send your nerds out of the room; the Star Trek/Tolkien combo can sometimes cause them to overheat.

And here's a good idea: let's get 5 women in sweatshirts to dance (like hobbits? what kind of dancing IS that?). and sometimes they'll be wearing spock ears. and enormous buttons with humorous slogans.

[thanks, Linus.]

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um, google
your categorization needs a little work.

08.02.02 world's largest thermometer
and this is me avoiding the obvious joke about where to stick it.

or, almost avoiding it i guess.

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birds n bees (quicktime movie, 1.8Mb)
would you like to see a fellow in nothing but a speedo and sneakers dance around in the woods like a crazy man?

you may as well skip the movie's first half and jump in where he jumps in.

if i were Missy (Misdemeanor) Elliott and it was my song being used for this, i would just cry and cry.

(there's also a smaller 960k version.)

on the subject of taking topics from real life conversations with friends and posting them to
i'm wondering if it's bad form to take subjects from conversations with friends and post them on this website.

probably it is. but, like most things, the fault is not in myself but in the person who made the mistake of being friends with me.

because with this guy [thumps fist on chest], the website comes first.

okay, that's an obvious lie. the website gets the same slack treatment as friendship.
08.01.02 art battle
pow pow pow.

august is perfect pancake month
this month, i'll be trying to craft the perfect pancake. my goal is golden, tender, picture-perfect pancakes every time with no spatula needed.

please wish me luck.
07.29.02 hello again ants. i'm glad to see you're still enjoying the sugar water. it's good, huh? mmm mmm, sugar water. oh hey, did i tell you about the boric acid? i didn't, did i? oh man, i think i totally forgot about that. well, the thing about the sugar water is that it also has some boric acid in it. that's the thing.
07.27.02 oh hey ants, how's it going? more sugar water? i've got plenty. here ya go.
07.26.02 Ants, hello. Welcome back. Want some more sugar water? I made too much and I just can't finish it myself, so you really should help yourselves to it. In fact, take some of this delicious sugar water back to your nest or hive or farm or whatever. My treat.
07.25.02 Wow, thank you for continuing to check back to see when this website will get good again. Sorry it's not yet. But what a nice summer. All warm and yellow. The sun is laughing and singing while the summer breeze brings us new ideas and carbon monoxide. The Argentine ants have dropped by to celebrate the season with us. Please come right on in, ants. Would you care for some sugar water? Have as much as you like. And take some back for your queen.
07.15.02 holy crap, is it already july 15? um, okay, things are still happening here. i, ummmm, i, uhhhhh, hold on just a little bit more. okay, i'll be right back.

oh, while you're waiting, check out gigglebees, the home of Wilbur the coyote pizza robot. Aren't you glad that someone in Sioux Falls, South Dakota has invented a coyote pizza robot? Whatever will science dream up next? Also, "gigglebees" is fun to say. And what if there were gigglebees that would laugh when they sting you? What then? Would you want to be stung just to hear the bees giggle?

[Thx, Owls.]
07.03.02 star trek elvis wedding
"Tony was attired in full Star Trek uniform, as "Worf", complete with Klingon forehead and wig. He does fabulous voice impressions, and he acted completely in character throughout the whole ceremony, doing a perfect rendition of Worf."

bonus #1: 4 to beam up.

bonus #2: Reverend Elvis video.

4th of july
hey americans, i have a super fun idea about how to spend the 4th of july this year.

this indepence day, why doesn't everyone stay at home and sit quietly and think about how lucky we are to have emancipated ourselves from the british crown. no barbecues, no hot dogs, no fireworks, no parades. just a quiet day of reflection and studious contemplation of american history.

yes! who's with me!

that smell
ooooooh, that smell. do you smell that smell? that's just the smell of me, in the background, cooking up something nasty tasty. soon, i'll let you try a bite. and even sooner than that, i'll give pantsmail subscribers a sneak peak preview taste.

and when i say "soon," i'm thinking like 10 days.

also, thanks for your continued patronage during this gangly awkward phase of infrequent-update hibernation undead limbo.

and here's where i give you a friendly punch on the shoulder and say, "i dunno why you do it, kiddo, but i love ya for it. ha cha cha cha."
06.24.02 Vulcan
the big-headed bare-bottomed steel man of Birmingham. Also, please enjoy the not-so-fun Vulcan fun pages.

05.22.02 knockers the clown and crappy the clown go bowling in NYC
my favorite kind of event: starts with a dozen drunk, unruly clowns bowling. ends with 50 photocopies of some clown's ass.
I went to Puffy's record-signing at Aron's Records yesterday. They signed this magazine for me. They were nice. I was excited.

05.17.02 Blind Man's Penis
The story behind John Trubee's hastily-composed, mentally unbalanced song poem, presented by The American Song Poem Music Archives.

You'll also want to hear the Blind Man's Penis mp3 (~1.5Mb).

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profile of a dead song-poem
Another fine Sharpeworld joint, wherein we get a peak into the machinations of the song-poem label, Tin Pan Alley, Inc., as they attempt to bilk a customer to the tune of $110. Along the way we get to see Tin Pan Alley's coupons, contracts and coveted Songwriting Club of America membership documents.

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gito gito hustler
they'll make you wish you could start your own all-girl pop punk tokyo band. but you can't. so content yourself with downloading a bunch of their mp3s.

05.15.02 TV commercials for Pocky
featuring members of the J-pop band, Morning Musume.

There were 7 girls in this band. Then 8. Then 9. Now 13. Someday, if all goes well, there will be 500,000 Japanese girls in Morning Musume. That may seem like a lot, but it will still be less than 1 percent of the population of Japan.

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prepare to receive the psychic mindbeam
are you receiving? because we're sending. smile if you're receiving.

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message to 12,000 A.D.
How to explain to someone 10,000 years in the future that they're about to walk into a dangerous area, the former home of the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant, a nuclear waste disposal site.

Includes discussion of the problems of the delivering this message as well as lots of creepy nightmare illustrations of giant thorns and spikes and hopefully universally-understood negative symbols.

"This place is not a place of honor. No highly esteemed deed is commemorated here. Nothing valued is here. This place is a message and part of a system of messages. Pay attention to it! Sending this message was important to us. We considered ourselves to be a powerful culture."

[Thanks, José]

Clicking through this site is like signing up for an elective course called Psychedelic Cinema and 70s Subcultural Weirdness 101. (You can finally write that 12-page paper comparing-and-contrasting bongs. Plus you get bonus points if you drop acid right before the final. And so on.)

Some highlights: In short, this site is wonderful. Aside from the name. Can we all decide that pimps are overdone and unfunny now, please? No more pimps. Thank you.

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Zardoz gallery
Speaking of good weird 70s cinema.

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NOWFF photos
Some good photos here, like this one. If you go to the New Orleans Weird Film Festival, you can feel free to let that freak flag of yours fly.
malcolm in the middle
Maybe you saw it this Sunday? This episode featured a helper monkey that turns evil. So good and brilliant it made me wish we could just forgo the whole award ceremony and let the entire Malcolm staff help themselves to a tray of Emmys.

Especially the capuchin monkey. That primate has more talent in one of his opposable toes than the entire combined cast of Ally McBeal plus Becker plus JAG.

05.13.02 in-n-out secret codes
i've been an angelino for 9 months now. so they finally gave me access to the top secret in-n-out burger codes.

05.08.02 Lobota
Lobot's adventure! Beautiful lush photos show us an exciting day in the life of Lobot.

Lobot, in case you forgot, is Lando Calrissian's chief aide in administering Cloud City.

I had previously thought that he was just another cyborg, shuffling about Cloud City, performing bureaucratic tasks with humorless efficiency. (In other words, someone just like me.) But after reading about his adventure, I feel like I know him as a more complete person.

Lobot lives a colorful and exciting life. I envy him, but I wonder if he's lonely.

It's really surprising that the makers of Star Wars didn't find Lobot's tales compelling enough to include them in the first 3 good films or the most-recent terrible film about the goings-on in that distant galaxy.

The Lobota saga is a feature of Whimsyland, the home of other neat treats that will stain your sheets.