date : 8:53 pm - Monday,June 11, 2001

from : mrp

subject : PANTSMAIL 013: kids and candy

message:
Kids and candy.

I read once about an experiment where they let first graders eat all the soda pop, ice cream, candy, and cake that they wanted. And that those kids ate a lot for the first few days, but then they eventually mellowed out and ate balanced meals.

That is, most of them. There were a few aberrant children who proceeded to gorge themselves on the river of chocolate, not unlike Augustus Gloop, the adorable little German stereotype of Willie Wonka fame.

Undeterred, schools across the country have unanimously decided that losing one or two kids to over-eating is not too shabby, statistically. Those at the far end of the bell curve probably deserve their fate, in fact. If it's just one or two per school, what the heck? And, hey, they die happy, don't they? Just look at those enormous smiles on their dead, ice-cream-smeared faces. I mean, those are some blissed-out fat kids.

That's why I hope you will consider writing your congressional representatives and encouraging them to pass congressional resolution 2114, which will give first-grade consumers unrestricted access to junk food and soda pop.

Sincerely,
Misterpants.com,
a subsidiary of The Pepsi-Cola Company

p.s. If there's a little eating-machine in your home, why not treat that little tyke to a refreshing, ice-cold Pepsi Cola. He or she will thank you for it!