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date : 4:03 am - Thursday,November 30, 2000
from : mrp
subject : PANTSMAIL 010: too much caffeine too late in the day = another pantsmail!
message:
--and that old sweater was just coated in dust, which I think caused my allergies to act up--oh, hello! I didn't see you come in. Was the door just open? Well, do sit down. It certainly is a pleasure to have you here. I was just about to put the kettle on for tea if you'd care to have some. Did you bring your wrestling uniform? Good, good. Well, the evening's activities should begin as soon as The Monsignor arrives. In the meantime, why don't you settle in and read this while I get started on that tea:
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FIRST FAKE INTRO
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I'm going to do 2 fake intros and then it'll be time for the Table of Contents.
Welcome to Pantsmail #010, with the latest news from the world of breakbeat, gabber, goa, trance, happy hardcore, illbient, intelligent techno, terrorcore, hard trance, and hardcore jungle breakbeat dub acid bass. This is not a newsletter; this is our reality.
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SECOND FAKE INTRO
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Welcome to Pantsmail #010. Pantsmail strives to promote high standards and ethics and to advance communication and technical proficiency within the carpet care service industry. In this week's issue, top experts compare tips and tricks for removing ground in Play-Doh. Also, Going Retro: The Return of Shag and what it means for your business.
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T.O.C.
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Here's a table of contents because I do it like that:
[+_+] affected invitation to tea, wrestling, and pantsmail
[*.*] 2 fake intros
[-_-] toc--right here, right now
['O'] intro to some advertisements
[-.-] scary corn flakes ad
[~.~] awful wonderbread ad
[+o+] atari vcsp link
[*_*] short coffee thing
['.'] your clever email address
[+.+] pro-libraries, pro-librarians, and i vote
[-o-] the word, clown
[#_#] the end, also affected
Note that there are no little bracketed numbers this issue because I'm lazy and no one cares.
Alright! Now let's stop starting and start starting for real already.
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SOME ADVERTISEMENTS (INTRO)
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I put a TV next to my computer so that I could watch too much TV and use the computer too much both at the same time; previously, I had been trying unsuccessfully to balance overdoing both activities. But now I'm proud to report that I'm succeeding in turning my eyeballs into meatballs and my brain into pancake batter by inundating myself with crap websites and crap TV simultaneously, sometimes while also playing crap music. In addition, I hope the radiation from the two screens will combine with my unique DNA mutation to turn me into The Incredible Hulk. (That's also going well. I'm at the first stage of Hulkification: developing a nice pasty paleness--just a shade away from full-on Hulk green!)
From peripherally watching all this television, I've noticed that there are some really freaky bad advertisements right now.
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FREAKY SCARY CORN FLAKES AD
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There's this one where this old corn farmer does all this detail work on ears of corn he's arranged in a basket, prettying the corn up for a presentation. We hear him say something like, "oh, he's going to love this." The next thing we see is the farmer getting thrown through a window. Cut to interior of the office and we get to see who threw the farmer through the window; it was a really mean-looking rooster--the Kellogg's Corn Flakes rooster!
What we're going to do is take your logo, that rooster illustration that you've been building the Corn Flakes brand on for 40 or so years, and we're going to make a really mean-looking puppet out of it. And then we'll have that puppet throw some poor old farmer through a window. And the whole commercial leading up to that farmer being thrown through the window will all be shot from the farmer's perspective, so that viewers will be on the side of the farmer by the time he gets grievously injured by the mean rooster. Also, after he gets thrown through the window, we'll show reaction shots from two other nice-looking old farmers. And then a shot of the rooster looking all scary and mean. None of this will be cartoonish or fun at all--we're going for realistic and terrifying.
I hope this ad was effective. If not, here's my suggestion for their next ad: show someone eating Corn Flakes and then getting really sick and throwing them up. End with a shot of dog poop on a filthy sidewalk with flies buzzing around it--then suddenly have it morph into a bowl of Corn Flakes and then back into dog poop.
That ad just makes me feel really bad for the poor, old farmer. American farmers have a hard enough time without ferocious rooster tyrants.
And the old farmer kind of reminds me of an old advertising executive who has to liven up a cereal brand that's flailing because everyone's apparently given up cereal in favor of power bars and whatnot. And just as the old farmer can't appease the mean rooster with his crappy corn, the old ad exec can't appease the client with his crappy trying-to-appeal-to-"Gen-X"-but-failing-miserably ad. Sad.
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WEIRD AWFUL WONDERBREAD AD
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I was only half-watching, but I saw this Wonderbread ad where some doctor was talking about how Wonderbread is good for fighting germs or something stupid like that. And to visually explain how it fights germs, they had a dwarf dirtied up like a germ, chasing a litle boy around. It didn't end with the dwarf/germ catching the little boy and devouring him, as you might expect. Instead, the little boy eludes the dwarf/germ (thanks to Wonderbread!) and the ad ends with a window slamming shut to keep the dwarf/germ out.
So insane.
Plus, what's up with casting a dwarf as a germ?
I guess it's still okay to disparage dwarves? Is this official? Dwarves and fat people are both still fair game, I guess.
Ad exec: Dwarf or fat person? Dwarf or fat person? Let's go with a dwarf! [into speakerphone] Marcy, get me the headshots of the germiest little dwarves we have on file."
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ATARI VCSp: A BONUS LINK
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This is great. And a bunch of people have sent me this URL and thank you everyone who sent it and I love it and I want one.
http://www.geocities.com/funmazer/
Portable Atari 2600.
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EVERYONE SAYS SEATTLE HAS LOTS OF GOOD COFFEE AND I FOUND THAT TO BE TRUE
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Plus, as a special bonus point in favor of the city of Seattle, every Seattle-ite I talked to hates Starbuck's. That's so beautiful. Starbucks acts like they're synonymous with Seattle. Like Starbucks was the appointed worldwide cultural ambassador of the city. But no. Everyone there hates them.
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YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS
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Not to be too creepy, but Notifylist.com lets me see your email address. And there are lots of people on this list who have awesome email addresses. Probably you're one of them. I sometimes log in to Notifylist.com just to marvel at your clever email address.
I think it would be going too far to list the really, really good ones here. But think of the person with the cleverest email address you know. Okay, now imagine if you knew a bunch more people with equally clever email addresses. And, well, this is really an idiotic excercise in imagining, but maybe you sort of get my point here. I'm complimenting YOU on YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS. You're maybe thinking, "No, not me. Not my email address, although it is somewhat clever." Now maybe you're chuckling to yourself at your own cleverness. It's okay to chuckle. Don't be modest. It's VERY clever.
I love your email address.
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MISTERPANTS.COM IS PRO-LIBRARIANS, PRO-LIBRARIES
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I want to be clear about this. Misterpants.com, Pantsmail, and the author of said publications are all pro-librarian. So, for example, if he's talking to you and you say something along the lines of, "Wow, I can't believe that being a librarian requires a Master's degree," or anything equally ass-stupid, he is not going to be on your side. In fact, he will be anti-you. Pro-librarian, pro-library, anti-you!
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THE WORD, CLOWN
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clown
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THE END
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Oh, good heavens. The Monsignor just phoned. He's regrettably been detained and won't be able to make it this evening. And well, you understand that everything hinges on him. Have you finished your tea already? Good, good. Because now I'm going to have to ask you to leave. And please take that wrestling uniform with you. It wouldn't do for it to be left here. Thank you. Good night.
later,
-mrp
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P.S. TAREPANDA ASCII ART
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