|
date : 8:18 am - Thursday,November 2, 2000
from : mrp
subject : PANTSMAIL 008: Preamble to the Constitution of the United States of Boogying Down
message:
Hello Citizens,
We the people of the United States of Boogying Down, in order to form a more funky union--
---
We interrupt the Preamble to the Constitution of the United States of Boogying Down to bring you the following Pantsmail news bulletin.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
INGREDIENTS [08.00]
8.00 THIS.
8.01 OPENING.
8.02 ANGELS.
8.03 TRANSITION.
8.04 SPARROW.
8.05 DUCK.
8.06 TREK.
8.07 ZAP.
8.08 YAKOV!
8.09 ANTIMATTER.
8.10 YAKOV!
8.11 SMIRNOFF!
8.12 YAKOV!
8.13 SMIRNOFF!
8.14 YAKOV!
8.15 SMIRNOFF!
8.16 YAKOV!
8.17 SMIRNOFF!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
OPENING RAMBLE. FOR THIS PART, I'VE DRESSED MYSELF IN A BATHROBE AND SLIPPERS AND A PAIR OF ENORMOUS DARK SUNGLASSES. I'M DRINKING A BLOODY MARY. IF YOU WERE STANDING HERE, YOU COULD HEAR THE ICE FROM THE BLOODY MARY CLINKING AROUND IN THE GLASS. [008.01]
Aside from this paragraph, I won't be mentioning Urkelbot in this Pantsmail. I was informed that more than one "reader" saw that in the subject line last issue and opted out of reading any of the entire Pantsmail. And that's really a shame, because inevitably those people are the ones who need the Urkelbot anecdotes the most.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ANGELS [008.02]
I was driving and I found myself behind a minivan with a bumper sticker that said, "Protected by angels." So I rammed my car into it as hard as I could. Sure enough, angels swooped down at the last minute and spared the minivan from my thoughtlessness. Thanks to those 8 angels, neither my car nor the minivan were damaged. It was as if instead of ramming a family in a minivan, I had rammed a big fluffy cloud. And as the angels were intervening, I was bathed in the most beautiful and fulfilling yellow sunlight, and my nostrils were filled with the sweet verdant smell of roses.
Isn't that amazing? I was amazed.
So, if you see a car with a bumper sticker that says that angels are protecting it, you know what to do: slam into it at full speed; it's seriously so fun!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TRANSITIONAL PARAGRAPH [008.03]
Last Pantsmail I mentioned not knowing whether or not roosters have penises. Thank you everyone who read that for not filling my mailbox with rooster penis data.
What follows are a few of the letters I did get. These letter help to elucidate what I call, The Mystery of The Rooster Penis.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SPARROW PENISES [008.04]
From a Mr. Scout:
+ + +
"Sparrows have penises measuring 3 millimeters in length.
This is why no one says they are hung like a sparrow."
-Carl Sagan, "Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors"
+ + +
[thank you, Scout. Scout = http://scout177.diaryland.com]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DUCK IS TO PENIS AS ROOSTER IS TO _____. [008.05]
From Terri:
+ + +
dear, dear, poor misguided misterpants. DUCKS have penises.
Roosters have a sort of a swiss-army knife kind of opening
called a cloaca; in other words, it serves all needs for expelling
anything your average rooster might need to have expelled."
+ + +
Thank you, Terri. Got it.
Pantsmail is educational.
Oh, now I want to make some joke about rooster genitalia being something to crow about, however I'm well aware that I've already exhausted the readers' abundant-but-by-no-means-boundless patience with the subject matter.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TIPS FOR HAIR STYLISTS WHO SERVICE VULCAN CLIENTELLE [008.06]
I was thinking about how if I was a hair stylist on the USS Enterprise or any of those Star Trek ships, I'd advise my Vulcan clients not to get such angular, severe-looking haircuts. They probably want an overall more natural, flowing feel to their hair and less harsh angles around their faces.
I'd probably say, "how about let's soften the effect of your already very extremely severe eyebrows and ears."
Then I might say, "have you thought about doing a color?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A FEAR [008.07]
I have an irrational fear that the shielding on the door of the microwave is going to wear off and that I'll be blasted by the microwaves. So whenever the microwave is in use, I have to crouch down to pass in front of it.
[Believe it or not, there originally was a paragraph here about robotic ladybugs that I deleted.]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
QUOTE FROM THE FLYER FOR YAKOV SMIRNOFF'S SHOW IN BRANSON, MISSOURI [008.08]
"NO FUNNY! NO MONEY! Come see my show in Branson and you'll have a great time - I guarantee it! In fact, if you don't laugh once a minute during my show, and you're not satisfied, I'll give you your money back....in Rubles (just kidding). Not all of your money, just the money you spent to see my show. I may have been a socialist once, but I'm not Social Security! See you in Branson!"
[From: Heather S. THANK YOU!]
Did you know that 9 out of 10 Americans would prefer a return to the dark days of cold war détente over dinner with Yakov Smirnoff?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TESTIMONIAL I WROTE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, BUT WHICH I HAVE ONLY THE FAINTEST RECOLLECTION OF TYPING. [008.09]
You can lose 10 pounds a day reading Pantsmail. Guarranteed!
Let's say you start with a base weight of 160 pounds. At the end of one week, you'll weigh 90 pounds!
And by the end of the next week, reading Pantsmail only once a day, you'll weigh a mere 20 pounds!
At the end of a month, you'll weigh -120 pounds. That's right! NEGATIVE 120! You'll become antimatter, capable of walking through walls and zapping real matter out of existence with the mere touch of your antimatter body! Just from reading Pantsmail!
Act now! There's never been an easier time to become antimatter!
+ + +
Send the above information to your friends who are on the fence about whether or not to sign up for Pantsmail. I seriously think that a lot of people will want to join once they realize that they can become antimatter.
However, do me a favor and don't mention the dangers associated with becoming antimatter--how you could end up accidentally zapping a loved one or a pet. Or how you could cause a black hole or a disruption in the space-time continuum just by coming into contact with a vaccuum. And definitely don't mention the painful process of passing from the matter state into antimatter state.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DONE. [008.10]
Thank you for signing up to Pantsmail. After reading this one, it may not seem like it's a worthwhile thing to be signed up for, but believe me, you'll be glad in the days and months ahead when Pantsmail includes valuable coupons which will enable you to save up to 40% on Misterpants.com's already low, low prices.
-mrp
|
