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date : 8:51 am - Wednesday,October 25, 2000
from : mrp
subject : PANTSMAIL 007: Thoughts on Urkelbot + great wedding ideas.
message:
Dear Sluts,
[note to myself: don't forget to replace "Dear Sluts" with a more conventional greeting before I send this.]
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TABLE OF CONTENTS [007.1]
Pantsmail #007 is out of the oven and ready for you!
Herein you will find:
007.1: rooster-related reader mail.
007.2: Urkelbot workplace story.
007.3: affective disorders.
007.4: alligator & lion wedding idea.
007.5: KISS wedding idea.
007.6: peanut butter and jelly sandwich tip.
007.7: van full of dogs wedding idea.
... and more!
Right now you're probably thinking that the 3 sections about wedding ideas are probably lame, and I don't blame you for thinking that. To be honest, I can't promise you that they aren't lame. I would ask, however, that you reserve your judgments until after you've read them. Don't tune out before I've even started; I hate it when you do that.
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READER MAIL [007.1]
Someone actually sent this. I'm pretty sure it's serious. And what it means is that for once I'm doing something right with my life, that this sort of email finds its way to me.
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To: chicken@misterpants.com
Date: Sun, 22 Oct 2000 23:31:46 -0500
I am trying to discover if a rooster has a penis.
this is for a class so help please.
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Unfortunately, I think it's too late to help this poor student. The letter was sent at 11:31 PM on Sunday evening, so probably he or she had a big rooster penis exam or a rooster penis report due the very next day. I know, because that's how I was when I was a student, putting off rooster penis research until the last minute.
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URKELBOT WORKPLACE STORY [007.2]
I used to work at this workplace where they had three or four muted TVs, high over all of us busy worker bees and our desks and computers. The TVs were there mostly for effect--to give it that big media company look. And once, while I was working, I happened to glance up at the TVs and the show that was on one of them was that Urkel show, whatever it's called. [Family Matters -ed.]
Whoa! Who was that? Pantsmail doesn't have an editor.
Haha, just kidding it was me.
And this episode was one where Urkel made a robot version of himself--an URKELBOT! The Urkelbot looked like Urkel, but was a robot. I think it was running amok or something; you can imagine, I'm sure. You know it was awesome, right? It was. It was awesome. And I got all excited and went over to tell some coworkers about it.
After I told them, they looked up from their computers, stared blankly at me for a few seconds, and then one of them asked, "Did you just walk all the way over here to tell us that Urkelbot is on television?"
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AFFECTIVE DISORDERS [007.3]
Do you know about affective disorders? They have to do with emotions. If someone doesn't get excited or happy or sad about things that normal people would feel that way about--for example, if you told someone about Urkelbot being on television and they didn't get excited, you would say that that person definitely has an affective disorder.
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GREAT WEDDING IDEA #1: ALLIGATORS AND LIONS [007.4]
Here's something that a lot people don't think about when they decide to have a wedding: if you're getting hitched, you actually get to tell the bridesmaids and groomsmen what they must wear to the ceremony. That's how weddings work.
So, you could tell all the bridesmaids to dress in alligator costumes. And tell the groomsmen to dress as lions.
Then, have a totally normal wedding, but near the end of the ceremony, the officiant could tear off his vestments to reveal a referee uniform.
He could then referee a match or series of matches: lions versus alligators. That would be such a great way to end a wedding. Especially if the last match ended with huge explosions.
Oh, explosions, that gives me another great wedding idea.
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GREAT WEDDING IDEA #2 [007.5]
I wonder if anyone has ever done this: a KISS-themed wedding.
It's too obvious. Someone must have done it.
After I wrote that part just above, I went to bed. I was almost asleep, but then I started thinking about the KISS wedding and got all excited and totally woke myself up thinking about it.
It goes without saying that I'm talking early-ish KISS here, right? Destroyer-era KISS. They've had a few years to get the make-up, costumes, and stage performance fine-tuned. It's 1976 and KISS is all about following up their highly-successful Alive! album with some kick ass studio work and a sincere commitment to taking their sound to a new level.
That's the kind of wedding I'm talking about, a wedding with just that sort of enthusiasm and excitement. Not to mention plenty of blood, explosions and fire breathing.
The bride and groom would be made up like the Demon, Cat, Starchild, or Space Ace. Although, to be honest, and with all due respect to Mr. Frehley, probably NOT Space Ace. I think a traditional KISS wedding would probably be...
Bride: Cat (or Starchild?)
Groom: Demon
Officiant: Starchild (or Cat?)
Oh, but an interesting twist would be if the officiant was The Demon.
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SPECIAL TOP SECRET PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH TIP [007.6]
If you're making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and you're midway through the process when you realize that you're out of jelly, use honey. If you're also out of honey, use maple syrup. And if you don't even have maple syrup, then here's a top secret tip for rescuing your sandwich: use applesauce.
Also, if someone you know calls your peanut butter and applesauce sandwich, "weird," just tell them, "you didn't even appreciate it when I showed you Urkelbot on TV; obviously I wouldn't expect you to understand THIS!" Emphasize the word, "THIS" by shoving the sandwich all up into their face, about an inch away from their eyes. Then storm out. (Bring your sandwich with you.) Stomp into your room and leave all the lights turned off.
When they come by to see what's the matter, slam and lock the door just before they get there. Scream at them from behind the locked door.
Once you're too hoarse to continue screaming, sit on the edge of your bed and enjoy the rest of your peanut butter and applesauce sandwich!
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GREAT WEDDING IDEA #3 [007.7]
Okay, I just had another great idea for a wedding, but this one is for the next time you're invited to a wedding.
You should do this:
Somehow get hold of a beat up old van and 7 or 8 big sloppy dogs. Pile the dogs in the van and head to the wedding. Show up like 20 minutes after the the ceremony has already started. And also wear something like light purple baggy pants made of hemp.
Get there and make a big production of letting the dogs out of the back of the van. And hopefully you've kept the dogs cooped up and hungry all day, so that when you let them out, they totally go nuts and run all over and sniff everyone and slobber all over everything and howl.
Probably also you should be barefoot.
Then after you've totally disrupted the whole ceremony, when someone comes up to you and asks you what the hell your problem is, announce to the entire group, "Oh, how embarrassing! I'm terribly sorry. I thought this was a HIPPIE wedding."
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SEE YOU [007.8]
See you at Tae Bo class,
-mrp
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P.S. REGARDING ROOSTER PENISES [007.9]
I don't know.
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