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date : 0:50 am - Saturday,October 21, 2000
from : mrp
subject : PANTSMAIL 006: Please get ready. Because I'm about to sock it to you.
message:
Greetings Friends and Customers:
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SUMMARY [006.0]
Here is a list describing what topics will be discussed in this Pantsmail. I am fully committed to covering all of the material and it is my personal guarantee to you that I will at least briefly touch upon every single one of the following items in this missive.
006.0: A summary of the contents.
006.1: Stealing other peoples' ASCII.
006.2: How to lift your spirits: draw llamas.
006.3: Pretend you're Satan.
006.4: Time to feed baby eagles.
006.5: A dream, wherein Mr. Sammy Davis, Jr. makes a guest appearance.
006.6: Eating a soggy sandwich.
006.7: Message from reprogrammed Jehovah's Witnesses.
006.8: Standard close.
That's a lot, huh? We'd better get started.
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INTRO [006.1]
I receive the Aquarius Records newsletter. (You should too. Go to http://www.aquariusrecordsSF.com and see if you can find where to sign up; I couldn't.) And I always like how they format it. They have a way with ASCII.
One thing that they do is start their newsletter with "Greetings Friends and Customers," so for this Pantsmail, I did that too. And then they do something like this:
)o( )o( )o( )o( )o( )o(
( )
) MISTERPANTS.COM (
( PANTSMAIL 006 )
) October 20, 2000! (
( )
)o( )o( )o( )o( )o( )o(
Isn't that great? I love that.
So I stole it!
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DRAWING LLAMAS [006.2]
If you're bored or sad, (and probably you are, if you're reading this) one thing I've found that cheers me up and keeps me entertained is drawing llamas. In fact, I've found that drawing llamas can help turn a frown day into a clown day.
On misterpants.com, I've already put up one llama that I drew:
http://www.misterpants.com/llama/
It seriously made me so happy when I was drawing that. I kept cracking up. Dunno why it made me laugh so hard, but I did. Oh, I guess it could have also been because of all the leaky containers of nitrous oxide that I've been storing under my desk, but I think it maybe had more to do with life's simple pleasures. Or perhaps life's simple pleasures combined with the nitrous.
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I AM SATAN [006.3]
I was watching Christian rock videos the other night. And you know what I'll bet would be a super-fun job? Playing the devil in those videos. A lot of them have a devil character that the Christian rockers taunt or make feel bad. There are two emotions that the person playing the devil has to be able to convey:
1. cocky/sinister/evil at the beginning of the video.
and then,
2. deflated/nervous/scared at the end of the video, after the Christian rock stars have taunted him and spoken so much Truth that the devil is actually frightened. This devil knows that he's lost. He's thinking to himself, "Aw man, I wanted those souls soooo bad and I didn't stand a chance. Jesus totally whooped my ass this time. From a cost-effectiveness standpoint, I'd do better to focus my energy on tempting secular rock bands from now on. Although, I definitely like hanging out with these guys; they're righteous, but they totally rock! Plus, they have such interesting hair."
What would be really great would be to get a gig as the actor playing the devil and then get wholly into the character. (Like, Dennis Hopper is reputed to have done when he played Frank Booth in Blue Velvet. He didn't get out of that character even when the cameras weren't rolling; Frank Booth basically showed up on the set every morning. And, supposedly Hopper stayed in that character for years afterward.)
Well, that would be great to do for the video. Show up as the devil! When you get there, say, "here comes Satan! Everyone make way for Satan. AHAHAHA!" And then maybe scowl and hiss and flick your tongue out a bunch at the band and the crew.
And during the day, while you're standing around drinking coffee and eating catered lunches between takes, you could try to tempt the Christian musicians with all sorts of fun-sounding sins.
And every time someone tells a joke, laugh all sinister and louder and longer than anyone else. (I figure Satan would be fun to hang out with, but his laugh would definitely make everyone uncomfortable.)
And whenever someone quotes the Bible (and I'll bet people mention the Bible all the time on the set of one of those things), hiss and spit.
Maybe give one of the band members an apple, and when they're half-way done eating it, say, "I got that apple off the tree of knowledge of good and evil; how does it taste?"
That's how I act at work anyway. Not all of that, but I definitely hiss and spit.
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FEED BABY EAGLES [006.4]
Please excuse me while I go feed the baby eagles in the backyard. I never need to write "feed baby eagles" on my to-do list in my day planner because they always remind me when it's their feeding time by emitting a near-continuous stream of eardrum-shattering screeches until I show up with a mouthful of little bits of chewed up meat that I gently drop into their open beaks.
So, pardon me. I'll be right back.
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SAMMY DAVIS, JR. STARRING IN A HELICOPTER DREAM [006.5]
I know. I know. I keep telling myself and you that I won't write about any more dreams, but this one is so crazy good. Get this...
I dreamed that Sammy Davis, Jr. was in a helicopter. And he was playing the controls like a percussion instrument. There were all these levers that would normally control the helicopter, but Sammy was jamming on them.
It was so hilarious. I was laughing really hard in my dream.
Yes, I know that Sammy is dead.
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EATING A SOGGY SANDWICH [006.6]
Yesterday I waited too long before I had breakfast; by the time I ate, I was way too hungry. So, I hastily threw together a sandwich made of the following:
-2 slices of bread, toasted
-an egg, fried sunny side up more or less
-a veggie burger patty, also pan fried
-lettuce
-2 slices of tomato
-mayonnaise
-salsa
-white mozzarella (the good kind, yum)
I was in such a hurry that I didn't wait for the lettuce to dry completely after I washed it. So the wet lettuce and salsa both soaked through the bread. And currently, the kitchen table is being used as a desk and can't be used at all as a table. So, in absence of a table, I ate the sandwich standing up, hunched over the sink. And, as mentioned, I was way too hungry, so I just inhaled the sandwich--probably I could have made it in the Guinness Book of World Records for eating it so fast. I don't know if they have a category for egg and veggie burger sandwich speed eating, but it would have my name there if so, and if I'd thought to invite a judge over to keep official time.
So, let me describe the scene once more, a little more succinctly:
me eating a soggy sandwich over the sink way too fast.
NOTE: Did you notice how I mentioned "veggie burger patty" without drawing any attention to it? That's because I am a resident of the state of California.
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SECTION WRITTEN BY JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES WHOM I REPROGRAMMED [006.7]
Science and technology can sometimes be DAZZLING! Still, human knowledge has not made life happy for most people. The only knowledge that can accomplish this is Pantsmail! While many persons may express strong opinions regarding sacred books, true wisdom comes only from Pantsmail.
It's surprising to think that few have even read Pantsmail for themselves. What about you? Granted, reading it takes considerable effort. But it is worth it. Pantsmail is one of only 40 or 50 mailing lists on Notifylist.com that are inspired directly by the word of God. It's written to set things straight and for disciplining you when you stray from the path.
How then can you begin to reacquaint yourself with Pantsmail? How about home Pantsmail study? Mister Pants or one of his trained counselors can come to your home and give concise answers to many of the questions you may have regarding Pantsmail.
If you would like Mister Pants or a trained counselor to call at your home, please fill out the coupon below and we will be happy to give you more information.
[ ] Please contact me concerning home Pantsmail study.
[ ] Send me Pantsmail email in my email mail mailbox inbox box.
[ ] Please don't. I am already receiving Pantsmail. Duh.
[ ] To share The Joy with friends I'll forward them this message.
[ ] I am confused and sleepy.
[ ] I don't think fake check box lists are funny at all.
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ROLL CREDITS [006.8]
Thank you very much for subscribing. And thank you once again for not unsubscribing. You are a winner and don't let anyone say otherwise.
Regards,
-mrp
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