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date : 9:10 am - Monday,October 9, 2000
from : mr
subject : PANTSMAIL 004: another from LA LA LA.
message:
Dear Regis,
I just wanted to say "howdy there, buster!"
[okay, i just tried to send this and i think i didn't succeed in doing so, so i'm going to try again, but i'm a little scared that i'm going to be sending everyone 2 emails of this, so, if so i'm sorry.]
I like sending Pantsmail, so I'm sending another. Inside this issue you will find a misterpants/01 preview link, a celebrity sighting, and a very special long-distance dedication from a listener in Cincinnati, Ohio.
Just kidding about the long-distance dedication, but there is a special something about the embarassment of sending email that is too-long.
(Do you like how i sort of brought that all back around... LONG distance, too-LONG email?)
(Memo to self: stop drawing attention to my own bad writing.)
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WHEREABOUTS AGAIN [004.1]
Still in LA, you silly goose.
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NOTEBOOK LOST IN LAUNDROMAT -- FOUND! [004.2]
I went back to get my notebook and folder that I stupidly left in a laundromat. And, ugh, I already know that this story is too long and involved, so I'm going to skip it and just give you the highlights:
-Saw Emmy-winner, Hank Azaria, outside the laundromat. He was petting a dog. So it just goes to show you that sometimes doing something stupid like forgetting your notebook in a laundromat is worthwhile because when you go back to get it, there will be an Emmy-winner (not to mention, the voice of several Simpsons characters, including Dr. Nick Riviera) outside petting a dog.
-There were people being loud in the parking lot. They gave me dirty looks. Turns out they're the people who clean the laundromat and they ended up being very polite and they gave me my notebook.
Maybe the headline for this section should have been:
SPECIAL SHOWBIZ GOSSIP SECTION: HANK AZARIA SEEN PETTING DOG OUTSIDE LAUNDROMAT [004.2]
He looked just like this:
http://gallery.fansites.com/ff.asp?FN=1116Azaria_Hank&SZ=1
Except he wasn't holding an Emmy or beaming with pride at winning an Emmy. He was just petting a dog and talking to some guy. Maybe he was thinking about Helen Hunt and mulling over their recent separation in his mind, wondering if he'll ever find someone and if it's true what they say about Hollywood marriages all being doomed. Yeah, it definitely seemed like he was thinking about her.
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PREVIEW PANTSLINK LINK PREVIEW LINK PANTS [004.3]
Arkitip
http://www.arkitip.com/
I saw this zine in a bookstore. (And I can never use the word zine without feeling self-conscious. It was in the "zine" section though, so I don't feel too bad. Should've maybe been in the "art" section.)
It looked GOOD. I want to like all the stuff in the zine section, but I'm usually disappointed. I like zines so much in concept and in principle, but i just don't feel like paying $5 for xeroxed poetry. Because i pretty much never want to read poetry, which i realize is my problem and not a good thing but there we are. i'm disinclined to read good poetry, so even more disinclined to read poetry of a questionable calibre.
Anyway, anyway, anyway, the zine section will occasionally have a gem like Cometbus or in this case, Arkitip. Really handsome and nice. Good illustrations, and good use of whitespace and gimmicks like 3-D. Plus they have a website where you can sort of get an idea of how pretty this publication is. (Also, practically none of that embarassing zine-y poetry.)
Then, after I saw it in a bookstore (and didn't buy it because I was being cheap--it was $15 or so), I saw it mentioned in some other magazine (Wallpaper, was it? I forget). Then later, I saw a poster for it in the XLarge store (where they sell shirts and pants, but give plenty of attitude away for free). Anyway, I figure the XLarge poster-sighting lends Arkitip, the little art-zine that could, much-needed hipster-cred. Ugh, okay, I'll stop.
Check it out, though.
(This is a preview because I figure I'll add it to misterpants/01 after I leave sunny LA and return to cold, stinky SF. Maybe that's obvious and didn't need this parenthetical explanation; I never know. I just want to make the distinction between PREVIEW links and BONUS links, okay? BONUS=just in Pantsmail. PREVIEW = Pantsmail first, then online. Oh wait, no one cares.)
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OH OH FOUR POINT FOUR, ETC. [004.4]
I'm growing weary of this "archiving system" for every article and we're only at issue 004.
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GUY WHO YELLED "HEY PARDNER" AT ME [004.5]
This guy yelled "Hey, Pardner, you know what time it is?" And he wasn't a cowboy. But that's how people are in Hollywood. He was probably pretending he was a cowboy. Wait, not pretending, ACTING. So i ambled over to him and answered back in my best cowboy voice, "Well, pardner, I reckon it's about time for you and me to have a showdown. That's right, pardner. It's hiiiigh noooon."
Which maybe he was surprised about what a good actor I was or maybe he just didn't expect me to get into the role so quickly because he didn't say anything after that and just walked/ran away with his child really quickly. So I yelled after him, "yeah, Pistol Pete, you better run cuz I'm the meanest hombre in these here parts." And I fired fake shots into the air. POW! POW! POW!
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TOO-LONG EMAIL REPLY THING THAT I THINK WE CAN ALL IDENTIFY WITH AS A SHARED EMBARASSING EXPERIENCE, BUT ONLY MODERATELY EMBARASSING [004.6]
You know when someone sends you a quick, short email and then you write back and your response gets to be too long? And then the more you go over it and try to trim it, the more you find details that you need to add and it just keeps getting longer.
So it looks like you've got too much spare time for writing email. And also it looks like you're sort of a loser for writing so much. I mean, I don't think that or care when I get long emails--I like it actually. It's not like I'm someone on Seinfeld who would get all irritated at the person for being a "long-emailer" or something.
The only thing is that...
What?
[hesitantly] She's a long-emailer.
[studio audience laughs--not a guffaw, just politely]
A long-emailer?
Yep, a long-emailer. Man oh man, is she ever a long-emailer.
Etc. I mean, I'm sorry to be writing email-related Seinfeld fan-fiction. That is just the most pathetic thing ever, really, isn't it? I thought it was kind of funny as I was writing it but then when i finished and realized that it was a) email humor and b) Seinfeld fan-fiction, then I felt all lame and dorky. But I'm digressing bigtime, aren't I?
Anyway, I think we can all identify with the awkward feeling of sending out too long an email. That's all.
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BASICALLY ASKING YOU TO FORWARD THIS [004.7]
If you have a friend who would enjoy getting this email in spite of all its self-referential and self-effacing comments, maybe forward it to them and tell them how they can join the growing Pantsmail family. If you want. No pressure, man, no pressure. But every person who forwards this to at least 5 people will be entered into the email lottery to receive a kiss and a pat on the bottom and $1 million from Bill Gates.
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BONUS LINK OR PREVIEW LINK. I'M NOT SURE [004.8]
The Seventh Annual Kiss Konvention, by Marisa Fox
http://www.grandroyal.com/Magazine/Issue1/Features/KISS/Konvention.html
I haven't even read the whole thing yet, so I dunno whether I'll post it online or not. Near the end, it includes a funny quote from Mike D. Plus it has this great line:
"Whoever says Kiss is history, has got to learn their Kisstory"
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DOESN'T NEED A HEADLINE BUT GETS A HEADLINE JUST BECAUSE THAT'S THE FORMAT [004.9]
This Pantsmail is longer than I planned for it to be. And I even left out a bunch of stuff: the OTHER celebrity sighting, more links, and something about augmented bottoms. Look for them in the next week or so on the website. ("The website" is http://www.misterpants.com but probably you already know that).
Thank you for not being mean to Richard Simmons,
-mrp
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