10.25.01 mascots
"The official mascots for the 2002 FIFA South Korea Japan World Cup light up a global lantern festival in Seoul October 24. Research has shown the mascots scare young children."

- - - - - - -

bunny cappucino, bear cappucino
while cappucinos in the united states might taste a thousand times better, they're never this cute.

So, today we say hooray for Japan where even espresso drinks can be made cuter.

this year's furby
manufacturers are already scrambling to meet demands to produce this coming holiday season's coveted must-have impossible-to-acquire sold-out gift item, Cipro.
10.24.01 Diva Starz fan site?
Looks like it might be a fake fan site done by Mattel, actually. Doesn't matter. More what I would like to point out here is that Diva Starz may be the ugliest. dolls. ever. made.

And to be quite honest, these dolls scare the crap out of me.

here's the official diva starz site. All Flash. i was looking at it and then i shut the browser window, but the Divastarz club soundtrack wouldn't go away. It was upsetting.

- - - - - - -

Afghanistan soap opera article
This is a super interesting Guardian article about a soap opera which the BBC World Service broadcasts in Afghanistan.

[thanks, José.]

10.22.01 fur bikini
almost ready. i've got my fur bikini and my bike helmet. now all i need are my mukluks and we can go.

what about you? are you going to wear your red fox hat (with paws, head and tail)? or the lynx?

[thanks, Digikinder.]

- - - - - - -

gallery michael williamses closet
good stuff going on at this site.

For one thing, Michael Williams is accepting scripts where you can tell him how to live one day of his life.

For another, you will also enjoy some of his pdfs:
  • writing.pdf
  • font.pdf

    also, Michael just interviewed the Lizard Man, which was neat. He also interviewed the allmylifeforsale guy. plus the person who runs mulletsgalore.

    - - - - - - -

    great Mormon joke
    from MormonZone.com.

    also from MormonZone, the The Mormon Zone Daily--Mormon Zone's all-Mormon version of The Onion. It's like The Onion in every way except that it's on Mormon topics and not at all funny.

    p.s. "Look out Nephites! Here come the LamanAnts!"

    [thanks, Eryk.]

    - - - - - - -

    weird tv.

    "A disembodied late-middle-aged face dominates your tv screen: expressionless dark eyes under a huge forehead, mouth pursed in what's either a smile or a grimace--you never know. This is Mustafio's face; it never leaves the screen and its expression never changes."

    Here are Mustafio mp3s.
  • KDOC TV rules
    3 reasons: Knight Rider, A-Team, Rockford Files.

    Want one more? Streets of San Francisco.

    Another? Matlock. Just kidding, but seriously: Hawaii Five-O.

    And I just saw the best episode of Knight Rider. Oh my god, here it is. Oh, and the Knight-Rider wedding album! (I guess no one was taking pictures when Stevie Mason got shot.)

    The best part was a beach montage. Running through the sand together, laughing, playing, falling, and falling in love all over again-- man, woman, car. (Oh wow, here's a PDF of the script. It's page 25, "MONTAGE - BEACH.")

    "...you may shatter the vase but ... the scent of the roses will linger forever... forever... forever... forever..."

    10.20.01 ApologetiX
    The ApologetiX are perfect if you enjoy the parody song stylings of "Weird Al" Yankovic, but find his humor too secular and full of sin.

    They have mp3s here. I don't have a favorite.

    Keep the faith. Woo!

    - - - - - - -

    gumby quicktimes
    the robot one is the best. you can probably guess the entire plot of the robot story right now without even looking (hints: chores, amok), but it's still good.

    my favorite part is when the robot vandalizes the house by writing "robot" on the side of it. hey, you should do that yourself and then blame it on a robot.

    here's the weird thing about gumby now, though. gumby has apparently joined a cult or at least the guy who invented gumby has. Now all the Gumbyworld Gumby info is sprinkled with references Swami Satya Sai Baba, just like the sacred ash that Swami Satya Sai Baba sprinkles from his fingertips.

    [thanks, Quezovercoatl]

    - - - - - - -

    Twin Civil War buffs make tiny clay cats and dress them in civil war uniforms
    They're recreating the battle of Gettysburg.

    I'm just really liking the whole concept.

    [via Obscure Store.]

    - - - - - - -

    "Attention Taliban! You are condemned...."
    American propaganda that reads like an ad for the Dynamic Tension body building program from Charles Atlas (World's Most Perfectly Developed Man).

    Jump down to the bottom 3 paragraphs to read what we're broadcasting to the Taliban. America sounds more than a little bit like an insane bully. Read it in an exaggerated Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.

    [Thanks, Todd.]

    - - - - - - -

    hey you... buy emu.

    - - - - - - -

    look, it's a box of old glass eyeballs!

    (Speaking of glass eyeballs, here's a pretty funny old Dave Barry column about the theft of a glass eyeball.)

    10.17.01 teddy bear search engine
    not very good, but maybe you're just interested to learn, as i was, that a teddy bear search engine exists.

    from it, i found the ugliest monkey doll ever made.

    [thanks, Chisato.]

    10.12.01 Land of Lincolns
    an article from the Chicago Tribune, 1995. The whole article is really incredibly good. But this is the best:

    "Thrown into this weird mix at the convention was a Col. Sanders look-alike who showed up unannounced among the Abes. The Colonel fended off inquiries initially by saying he'd come because, 'Somebody's got to feed all these Lincolns.'"

    This is from Jonah Begone's big crazy Civil War site. He's got a great collection of Civil War reenactment related images that includes "Gettysburg: the musical" and Honest Abe exiting a port a potty. I can't link (or should i say Linc?) to the images directly because Geocities gets fussy about that.

    By the way, Jonah is an anonymous Civil War reenactment buff who wears a paper bag over his head. Like The Unknown Comic. Remember the Unknown Comic?

    Also, Jonah's son's name is Ulysses.

    10.11.01 Abeandthebabe.com
    Abe and the babe!

    "Max and Donna...have been portraying Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln professionally since 1988. They are past Vice-Presidents of the National Association of Lincoln Presenters and were named... 'Best Abraham and Mary Lincoln Team' in 1994."

    Here's their photo album.

    "Abe and the Babe" should have been a TV show in the 70s where Abe and the Babe were a crimefighting duo.

    Abe was the sixteenth president of the United States, and one tough cop. He got kicked off the force for taking the law into his own hands. The Babe is his slow-walking, trash-talking, karate-chopping partner. Together they're Abe and the Babe, and if you've got a problem, no matter how big, Abe and the Babe are ready to help.

    - - - - - - -

    madonna on a wheaties box
    They should have had marshmallow lucky stars or something clever like that. Or how about a "win a free holiday, just some time to get away" offer.

    [thanks scout.]

    - - - - - - -

    Association of Lincoln Presenters
    "There are over 1500 Abraham Lincoln sites on the Internet. But, only this site can bring 150 Living "Lincolns" directly to you!"

    They've got a great picture on their front page of approximately 40 Lincolns and a handful of Mary Todds.

    I'm thinking about becoming a member. It doesn't actually say that you need to be a Lincoln impersonator, although maybe that's implied. And just who are they to say that I'm not?

    Why Lincoln? They'll tell you why.

    This is the best tagline for anything, anywhere, ever: "WE ARE READY WILLING AND ABE L."

    - - - - - - -

    Now, these are some really good Lincolns.

    I love that impersonating the Lincolns is something that some couples can do together.

    Look! Lincolns in love!

    And also, a Lincoln in dogwoods. Is he lost? NO WAY!

    - - - - - - -

    Bert and bin Laden
    I know this has pretty much already made the rounds, but I wanted to include it for anyone who might have missed it. So insane.

    This Fox News article is great because they quote Sesame Workshop's statement where they try to say that it's not funny, but then right after that, Fox asks for "Bert's current whereabouts."

    Much more here, including a huge blow up of the Reuter's picture.

    [Thanks Kelly!]
    Honda, endorsed by Jesus
    i saw a Spanish-language Honda ad that was showing how well Honda cars protect your family and it went by really quickly, but I swear that at the end of it, as the camera zoomed through the car, a big, etherial Jesus with his arms out, was sitting in the back seat. Not in a subliminal way, either. Just, right there, Jesus. Jesus!

    So what I'm wondering is, why don't more ads do that? Other dead people get digitally reanimated to endorse products all the time--surely, the son of God is up to the task. And, as far as I know, his estate is not presently asking for royalties--so there's really no limit to the amount or type of products that he could endorse! Hooray for Jesus! Hooray for (your product here)!
    supermarket names
    i have some more good supermarket names, but i'm not going to list them all right now because i'm taking a break.

    oh, okay, here's one:

    Purity Supreme.

    So good, Purity Supreme.

    Jesus drives his Honda to Purity Supreme where he buys angel's food cake and frozen corn.

    [Via Bellona.]
    10.09.01 Japanese Ant Color Image Database
    pretty specimens, handsomely presented in the Martha Stewart Living color palette.

    [thanks, Joel.]

    - - - - - - -

    fametracker's Michael Jackson fame audit
    Poor Michael. Poor freakish, opportunistic, egomaniacal Michael, deposed King of Pop.

    an excerpt:

    "...in all of Hollywood -- a place where good judgment is routinely hobbled by the sharp, thwacking sticks of opportunism and ego -- everyone has sensitively, admirably managed to avoid bald opportunism, or even the appearance of bald opportunism, with one exception...."
    USPS screamer
    The woman who delivers my mail is off her nut. (I think that's the first time I've ever used that expression. I want to use it more because it sounds like something Bugs Bunny or one of the Three Stooges might say and I'm trying hard to be more like them.)

    Conversing with her is tricky because she starts talking to me long before I've opened the door. So the conversation is well underway by the time I am present, which puts me at a disadvantage, conversationally, anyway.

    The other really great thing she does is this: if she has a package for someone and they don't answer her knock, she stands in front of their door and screams their name for a few minutes. "DAVID! DAVID LERNER! DAVID! DAVID! DAVID! DAVID LERNER! DAVID!" (One of my neighbors has a name like that, I think, but it's not that exactly, not that it matters.)
    more good supermarket names
    here are 3 more good ones:

    King Soopers, Giant Eagle, and Wawa.

    Wawa--so good! (I still think Marsh ranks higher than Wawa because while Wawa merely sounds silly, Marsh actually sounds kind of bad.)

    And I just remembered this one, which only half counts because it's both a department store and a supermarket: Matahari.

    It's good that I have ample time to devote to this 'best supermarket name' thing because it's turning out to be a much larger project than i anticipated.

    [Thanks Tomas, Joshua, and Ask. Cheers to you.]
    10.08.01 THE IN-CAR "DUAA AL SAFAR"
    "Every time you start your car, the miniature screen illuminates the holy text, and plays 'Duaa Al Safar' as we are taught by Prophet Mouhammad. (peace be upon him)"

    - - - - - - -

    Rob's I "love" Boston Terriers Homepage

    - - - - - - -

    Pickles, Knuckles, and the rest of the Chicago pug mafia are safely behind bars.

    from pugparty.com.

    - - - - - - -

    The Saudi Arabian equivalent of a Sam's Club.

    "MAX Discount Center is the big idea with the simple concept. It is the first exclusive membership based warehouse club in the Middle East....Imagine a wholesale superstore the size of the King Fahad Stadium..."

    - - - - - - -

    live realvideo stream of Saudi Arabian television
    all in Arabic, but sometimes interesting. I've tuned in a bunch in the past 12 hours--half the time, the server is overloaded, but when I've gotten through I've caught what was I think a sitcom, a prayer service at Mecca, some (boring) interviews, and a pretty great drama.

    the few ads that i've seen on there have been excellent.

    - - - - - - -

    The Liposuctionator
    "The world's strongest plastic surgeon," Dr. Bruce Nadler, AKA "the liposuctionator" can augment you if you're wanting some augmentation.

    Here's Dr. Nadler, posing in front of his BMW with personalized plates.

    piggly wiggly
    oh yeah, i left out the most obvious and best grocery store name ever. thanks everyone who pointed it out. Piggly Wiggly is number one.

    new list:

  • Piggly Wiggly
  • Marsh
  • Harris Teeter
  • Farmer Jack
  • Ralphs
  • 10.05.01 the lameness of life through the eyes of advertisers
    41 ads from the 1980s with commentary that is sometimes funny. It's like flipping through a 1983 Better Homes magazine with a smart-ass friend who likes to call people monkeys.

    - - - - - - -


    - - - - - - -

    beards and mustaches
    not only that, but also colorful and clown style wigs.

    and don't miss chickenhead. Also bugs. And gorilla family in overalls.

    oh, oh! and the best. ha, oh man: hamburger.
    news during wartime: red, white, and blue poodles vs. the 25-toed cat
    When I moved to SF, I thought that San Francisco's local TV news was easily the worst news anywhere. But LA news is putting up a pretty serious fight for the title.

    Last night channel 5 started their newscast with a story about a 25-toed cat, and ended with one about a woman walking her red, white, and blue poodles.

    (Everything changed after September 11; some poodles that were white are now different colors. And at least one woman is now off her meds and is dyeing poodles.)

    Anyway, if "Twenty-Five-Toed Cat" and "Star Spangled Pooches" are the bookends, then you know that the books they're holding must be marvelous. I didn't actually watch most of the news in between those two stories, but no doubt it was a twenty-two minute parade of animal anomalies.
    another good grocery store name has been brought to my attention. Overwaitea is now #3. And Nakamuraya moves down a notch.

    Also, I was told about Jons, which (rumor has it) was a Vons that the new owner switched the V to a J because that was the cheapest way to rename it. If that's true, then the pragmatic Jons ranks #5.

    Also, Stew Leonards deserves mention. I like the name okay (top 10?), but mostly I like the Stew Leonard bags around the world exhibit. (Just click the search button to see the whole list.)

    [Thanks, Betty and Alex also.]
    10.03.01 screen grabs of the first five episodes of The Price Is Right
    additionally, we have some Price is Right bloopers. You like bloopers, don't you? Bloop 'em up. Get bloopy. Bloop out!

    and please check out these vintage Price is Right retired games.

    - - - - - - -

    behind the scenes at The Price is Right
    I am a little bit obsessed with TPiR. But Marc Green is a lot obsessed. And that's a good thing, because his obsession has compelled him to give us 16 "bonus pages" of pictures of the TPiR set, behind the scenes. And then 2 more (spin, spin again) "special Bonus Pages ... (Not part of the regular Bonus Pages)" which I'm not 100% clear why he felt the need to make the distinction--because all the bonus pages are special pages.

    Anyway, check em out if you want to see what the backside of Plinko looks like, etc.

    - - - - - - -

    the Liberty Bell's Journey from Philidelphia to San Francisco, 1915
    "500,000 schoolchildren signed a petition asking Philadelphians to send the Liberty Bell to the Panama-Pacific International Expositiion of 1915."

    The Liberty Bell traveled by train, stopping in cities across the country, where it was met by massive cheering crowds dressed in their red, white and blue finest. They didn't have rock stars yet in 1915, but they didn't need them because the Liberty Bell was a rock star.

    The Liberty Bell rocks.

    - - - - - - -

    more on the liberty bell

    - - - - - - -

    Liberty Bell timeline
    Here are some great moments in Liberty Bell history.

    Everyone hated it at first. They thought it sounded ugly.

    In 1772: "People living in the vicinity of State House petitioned the Assembly to stop ringing the bell so often, complaining that they were 'incommoded and distressed' by the constant 'ringing of the great Bell in the Steeple.'"

    It wasn't originally called the Liberty Bell; abolitionists adopted the bell as a symbol and used the name as a P.R. move.

    After the Civil War, the Bell toured the US to heal the still-fresh wounds of the Civil War. (Also, probably, as it was a symbol of the abolitionists: "in your FACE, Confederates!")

    In 1821, a foundry owner named John Wilbank was supposed to haul off the LIberty Bell, but he chose not to, because the metal was worth less than the cost to haul it. So, technically, the Wilbank family "owns" the Liberty Bell. And this is the best part; god bless the tacky american entrepeneurial spirit:

    "In 1984, an heir of Wilbank named James McCloskey claimed the Bell for himself.... He claimed that he wanted to display it in his hometown of Baltimore, or barring that, melt the Bell down 'and make seven million rings -- all cracked -- and sell them for $39.95 each.'"

    Cracked Liberty Bell rings, $39.95. U-S-A! U-S-A!

    And this of course is why it's considered the mack daddy of all american bells: "July 8, 1776: The Bell was rung to announce the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence...."

    Hooray for the Liberty Bell. Hooray for all bells. Hooray for symbols of America that are broken and haven't worked for over a hundred years.

    By the way, Taco Bell did not buy the Liberty Bell.

    Ralph's Supermarkets
    What a great Supermarket chain name, Ralph's.

    Here are my top 3 favorite supermarket names:
    1. Marsh. Seriously, Marsh!
    2. Ralph's
    3. I dunno, maybe Nakamuraya?
    09.28.01 meditations on recent events from Shirley MacLaine
    "In the wake of the tragedy in NY and Washington, Shirley has held two meditations to help everyone around the world heal and center."

    After 5 minutes of listening to the second meditation, i didn't feel very centered--more i felt sleepy and annoyed. But Shirley MacLaine works in mysterious ways; no doubt sleepy and annoyed feelings are the first step towards healing.

    She also has some UFO videos you can download.

    - - - - - - -

    Yakov Smirnoff
    Oh Yakov, I was going to make fun of you, but then what you say on your front page is actually fairly eloquent. Yakov, I'll stop teasing you--for a little while anyway. How about a hug, Yakov? Would you deny me a hug?

    - - - - - - -

    Melanie Griffith on the September 11 terrorist attack
    "serious" and "so scary."
    Our story so far...
    hello, if you're just joining us for the first time, welcome to our program. if you're a long-time viewer, then thanks for sticking with us through these last couple slow months. your patience is most impressive and most appreciated. and will be amply rewarded! [that last part's simply not true. -ed.]

    here's what's happened so far...
    • I moved from San Francisco to Los Angeles.
    • The day after arriving: earthquake, which was small but scary.
    • A few days after that: terrorist attack on NYC & DC; maybe you heard about that; it was on the news--also very scary, plus sad, and tragic.
    • A few days after that: my car disappeared.
    • A few days after that: the car reappeared without a lot of itself. To whomever borrowed my car: thanks for dropping it off on South Central Avenue where the police could find it and return it to me. When you get around to it, could you also return the wheels, the bumpers, the interior and all the glass.

    - - - - - - -

    here are some initial observations of ways that Los Angeles is different than San Francisco. i'm leaving out the super-obvious ones (like smog/fog and "you have to drive everywhere").
    • older TV newscasters
    • pleasant weather, even after 6 PM
    • Angelinos are good drivers
    • more ads for plastic surgery
    • if you mention LA to someone in SF, they roll their eyes. If you mention SF to someone in LA, they stare at you blankly.
    maybe those last 2 are obvious.
    hello. i am back.
    in case maybe you're wondering, i will now return to updating this site on a more or less regular schedule with the links and general stupidness that you've been very polite about tolerating for the past 2.5 years.

    - - - - - - -

    pantsmail plug
    Everyone who's not already subscribed to Pantsmail should subscribe now. No more excuses. It's easy. It's free. It's fun. Leonard Maltin of Entertainment Tonight calls it, "a freaktastic freakabration from Freaktown, USA."

    Just enter your email address here:

    check the archives for the low-down.