05.04.01 excreman
poop snowman from Hong Kong.

i can't explain it as well as it's explained in Excreman's official story, which, like all good stories, starts like this:

"Shit!? Yes, it is a story of talking about 'shit' in a gently loving tone.

A piglet at Christmas produces a load of human-shaped dung which comes to life. Their adventures then begin! Excrement, what people despise and disgust, appears to be a simple and humble creature...."

Here is a somber realplayer video about Excreman, which is really mostly about a sea captain. This video did nothing to help me understand Excreman.

[thanks, Thom.]

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Missoula, Montana's metalest rockingest metal rockers.

Lazerwolfs exist in a parallel universe of rock--a universe where the dark lord of 80s metal still sits on his evil throne, with Rob Halford at his right side, chained up or something, and Ozzie at his left, spitting blood and generally geeking. A universe where Kurt Cobain was never even born, and where zebra-striped pants are seldom ridiculed.

If i had a band in 5th grade i would have named it Lazerwolfs.

Oh, and one of the Lazerwolfs used to be in another band once, named Reign. And, check out Reign:

  • Aww, yeah
  • Reign rocks
  • Reign totally rocks
  • Reign totally rocks your ass off!

    (The above photos come from Yalestar, which aside from Reign, i'm not all that into.)

    By now you should be ready to rock. So here's Lazerwolf rockin' tight in MP3 format.

    Also, being in Missoula, Montana--how rockin' is that? I'll tell you how rockin'--it is totally full-on rockin'. I am dead serious.

    For more on Missoula rockers, check out destructorock. viva missoula.

    [sort of from filepile.]

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    'Messiah-God' Less Than Omnipotent In Court
    you can click that there link, or you can read the next 2 paragraphs, where i quote the best parts of the article.

    "Chad Gabriel DeKoven, a convicted armed robber who calls himself "Messiah-God," filed a lawsuit seeking full-time personal attendants, thousands of trees and animals and tons of precious metals.
    However, DeKoven has no Constitutional right to be treated as the "Messiah-God or any other holy, extra-worldly or supernatural being of power," he ruled."

    one of these days, the REAL messiah-god is gonna show up in court and if people don't take him seriously, i'll bet he'll be way pissed off.

    [thanks, Jose]

  • 05.02.01 luvkitties castle
    wonderful is the the word that best describes the luvkitties.

    do you like weird kitty-speak? do you like to see fancy clothes crudely photoshopped onto cats? do you like cheesey midi music? i knew it. well, then luvkitties are right up your alley.

    most definitely see also luvkitties' valentine's day bash.

    (please also note: the achey breaky midi.)

    here's some sample dialogue, exemplifying someone whose cat to human time-spent ratio is maybe way off:

    "KingChester) Mewrowza,I knew dar was a queen in here.

    Juno) Well its about time mew gotz mew nos out a da air and spoke to me.Im Queen Juno,who are you?

    KingChester) uuughhmm,Im da King of da Castle.mew Host.

    Juno) Well Mr King Im glad to meet you finily."

    and what's more, thanks to luvkitties castle, you need never ever be bored again, because there are a thousand totally weird-ass cat-related links.

    links such as luvkittysrainbowbridge, which is sad.

    and purrscouts.org which is a cool idea but a little disappointing.

    [thanks, scout.]

    05.01.01 vitalink beverage tracker

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    half chicken, half penguin--that's chengwin.

    half chicken, half skunk--that's chunk.

    here you can see movies (all around 10Mb), like chunk vs chengwin and chengwin vs chunk.

    skunk-chicken, penguin-chicken fight.

    [thank you, andrew.]

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    no shop
    (at adbusters.org.) i kind of like no shop. even though it's so adbusters-y, and probably not at all fun to visit in person. conceptually, kind of fun, but otherwise not much fun.

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    asbestos in buildings
    kind of pretty. but mostly, what the hell? from the asbestos institute, promoting the safe use of asbestos.

    04.27.01 Proud papas, Siegfried and Roy

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    Ma Barker's tales from the early days of television
    3 tales, in total. The first 2 are better than the third.

    Ma Barker was one of the first female TV Directors in the US.

    Ma Barker is alright by me!

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    Extension 666
    "What happens when you have extension 666 on your phone system? A company I know has, and here's some of the strange messages they got."

    the first one, Poetry for the Lone Wolf, is really bizarre and good.

    policy change
    Everyone is allowed to look up my nose; that's my new policy. This is a change from my old policy, which was that no one was allowed to look up my nose.
    04.24.01 homeboys in outer space
    On Tuesdays at 8:30, on UPN, from August 1996 to June 1997, if you were like most Americans, you couldn't get far enough away from the interstellar "humor" of the homeboys and Loquatia, their sassy computer, as they explored the galaxy in their spaceship, the Hoopty.

    Critics raved: "I will NEVER watch Homeboys In Outer Space again."

    And, "This show is a racist piece of crap."

    And filmmaker,Spike Lee actually announced that he would rather watch Amos 'n' Andy than Homeboys.

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    promotional realplayer movie for Googoo Clusters, "the southern treat, from Nashville."

    in that movie, at 2:56, see vintage downtown julie brown footage. egad.

    and at 3:15, a crazy good googoo cluster ad:

    "oh the googoo cluster
    is causing quite a stir
    just one bite and you'll agree
    it's what your looking fer."

    idea for cable network
    The Irony Channel
    04.23.01 Ayn Rand Institute and the Center for the Moral Defense of Capitalism hold Anti-Earth Day gathering
    good lord.

    "...the main theme of the demonstration was support for opening the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil production."

    file under super funny but also not funny at all.

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    bubble skirt
    did anyone ever apologize for the bubble skirt?

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    ha, oh man. i don't know about the rest of the site, but DO NOT "skip intro" here, just for the quote. totally worth the 190k just for that quote from the crue. thanks, crue. wow.

    "I PROMISE YOU THIS. One day you're walk into the tattoo shop of life and say, "I'm back....'"

    my hands smell weird right now.
    04.19.01 record store
    scroll 2/3 the way down that page to the part that starts "Holy Napster, Batman!"

    or if you don't like scrolling, check out the press release, instead.

    Record Store is a good concept for all of us who are trying to cope with the loss of unfettered napstering.

    here's the deal: you buy a CD for $5. you don't know what's on it, but it was "curated" by some mysterious music know-it-all (chosen from the infinitely deep pool of music know-it-alls) who wants to introduce you to new stuff. You don't get a track listing, but you can go to a URL and key in the number stamped onto your CD and a little more info appears every day, until, after 2 weeks the entire track listing is available.

    Also, if you're in San Francisco, and today is Friday, April 20th, and it's 7 PM, and you're at 21st and Bryant (at the South to the Future store), then you're at the grand opening party.

    (full disclosure: mister pants may be partial to this project because mister pants may actually sort of somehow be involved in it or something.)

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    The Curse of Colonel Sanders
    an okay short anecdote that takes place in Osaka. It doesn't quite live up to the title, but what could possibly live up to that title?

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    Bananas on the web
    all the professional banana label collectors know this site already. it's been known in banana label collecting circles for ages and ages. the bananarati are tired of it already. but for banana label collecting newbies, it's chock full of everything you'd wanna know about the hobby. like, the most obvious question: why the hell would anyone collect banana labels?

    oh, and you may be surprised that "Banana Label collecting is not for someone who is looking to make a financial killing."

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    banana label museum
    see also. german banana label museum, archived alphabetically.

    04.18.01 Tunak
    Great music video from India (in realplayer format). So good! I know it was on Metafilter and probably a ton of other places, but, well, it's here too, in case anyone missed it.

    Tunak. Don't miss Tunak!

    Too good. I love Tunak.

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    bigfoot feces
    second picture down. yes, it's gross. i'm sorry that it's so gross, but if you don't wanna see grody bigfoot feces, don't click that link.

    if someone had asked me to wager on whether or not i'd be able to find bigfoot feces on the internet, i'd have bet against it.

    anyway, you know how all the bigfoot footprints look super fake? well, do you think this is fake? do ya? huh? if so, how was it faked? and by whom? riddle me that. and also, do you think these bigfoot hunters collected a sample? why or why not? did they take the sample to a lab? what were the results?

    bigfoot feces raises a lot of questions.

    i also like how the bigfoot hunters took the feces personally. bigfoot left it there FOR US. he was trying to send us a message.

    Hey, you know how people sometimes hoot. Like at a rock concert or whatever, someone might go, "whoooo!"

    Well, I'd really like it if everyone who reads this can make an effort to hoot just a little bit more. Not only at rock concerts, but also at poetry readings and just while waiting for the bus or waiting in line at the grocery.

    I think it'd be cool if we all just started hearing that "whooo!" a little more often and in a wider range of situations.
    04.12.01 bunny
    scary bunny.

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    monkey vs robot
    live action video which accompanies the song by James Kochalka Superstar. (~5.1Mb, Windows Media Player)

    Are there are 2 foes more diametrically opposed to one another than monkey and robot? I don't think so.

    Can any pair of things be more diametrically opposite than any other pair of things? Again, I don't think so, because diametric opposition involves 2 points opposite one another on the diameter of a circle. There are no 2 points further from one another on the same circle.

    Maybe on a larger circle?

    Okay. So, perhaps yes, there could be 2 foes more diametrically opposed to one another than monkey and robot if those 2 foes inhabit points opposite one another on a circle larger than that occupied by the circle defined by the points of monkey and robot.

    Oh, but wait, those other 2 would be further from each other, but they wouldn't be more diametrically opposed. They'd be equally diametrically opposed.

    So, no. There are no 2 foes more diametrically opposed to one another than monkey and robot.

    That's part of why the video is so good.

    Also, that's part of why I get beat up so much.

    Here's an animated version of a video to the same song, monkey vs robot. (the other video is better, though.)

    04.10.01 henry's biggerhand photo diary
    Henry is 4 years old. [via Chen's Pita.]

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    monster farm ad
    another 15-second spot for the Monster Farm game for Playstation 2. (from that same Korean video game site.)

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    Mr T: The Toughest Sounds In The World
    You will appreciate this page because this page includes a wav file of Mr. T, rapping.

    [thanks, Wardley.]

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    The Dead Alewives - Hot Lawyers.mp3

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    early japanese ads for menstrual underpants
    from the Museum of Menstruation. Did you know that there's a Museum of Menstruation? There is. It's called the Museum of Menstruation.

    04.09.01 bust mold gallery + auction
    painted molds of busts, done to raise money for breast cancer. good stuff, whether one is a fan of contemporary art or a fan of boobies.

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    Chris Ware comic entitled, "I Guess."
    from an issue of Raw magazine originally published in 1991. Chris Ware let This American Life reprint this strip to accompany their interview with him.

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    dancing salariman ad
    also from cm-watch, here's another japanese ad: shoshupot. this shoshupot spot was on tv a million times when i was in Japan. no! more than that--a million billion trillion. i am serious.

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    not much to see here, really. just an old Japanese man rendered in creepy 3D.

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    The Chairman Smiles
    Posters from the former Soviet Union, Cuba and China.

    04.06.01 Jorge magazine

    includes Those Darn White Kids and some great articles.

    oh, also: Latin Grammys!

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    cabbage patch kid astronaut
    the cabbage patch space program is woefully underfunded.

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    star wars kitsch
    good stuff.

    (This sentence is absurd: "George Lucas sought to merchandise Star Wars with ... quality standards and timeless grace...")

    also, unproduced droids and ewoks.

    and, wow, boba fett shoes.

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    the gospel fly: witnessing tool for annoying christians
    sample dialogue:

    "Fish: Hey, what kind of fly is that? or, I didn't know you were a fisherman, or, I've never seen a trout fly like that.

    Man: This isn't a fishing fly for fish, it's a fly for making me a fisher of men. (Ladies may want to say something like, "This is a people fly".)

    Fish: What do you mean, fisher of men/people fly?"

    Well, I'm a loser who wears a fake fishing lure on my lapel so that someone will make the mistake of talking to me.

    04.04.01 shemar, in car
    everyone watch this quicktime movie (2.7Mb), featuring Shemar. Shemar of Soul Train. Shemar of Y&R. Shemar of shemar.com.

    And Shemar fans, today's your lucky day. Because there are more Shemar videos, here.

    No matter how much you like Shemar, you will never like Shemar as much as Shemar likes Shemar.

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    annotated opening sequence to Hawaii 5-0

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    famous Canadians
    and here's another page of famous Canadians. i recognize more names from this second list.

    In the future everyone will be famous, but only in Canada.

    04.03.01 mpegs of japanese video game commercials
    there are tons of them here, on this Korean videogame site. most are lame, but a few are pretty fun.

    here's a gameboy advance game, rockman exe, which is mostly only cool as an advanced preview of gameboy advance.

    and here's super gal-delic hour for playstation 2. includes a brilliant butt-bump battle game.

    bomberman land presents the running of the bombs. so good! (if you're on a slow connection and only want to download one--either do this or super gal-delic hour.)

    and then densha de go 3 (go by train 3!) is one of those games where you get to drive the commuter train. maybe if the train was my primary means of transportation my whole life, i'd look at it differently. but as is, it seems like less than no fun at all. negative fun. after playing it, you're at a fun deficit.

    here's one that's probably a big hit with japanese nationalists: pilot ni narou 2.

    finally, this one which is just a great ad. i dunno the name though. slice everything.

    [info about that last one, courtesy of John B.: "Here is the missing information: It is from a game called Onimusha:Warlords from Capcom. It was by a bunch of the same people that did Resident Evil/Biohazard."]

    04.02.01 monkey zone
    if you are a pet monkey owner, this site is probably loaded with good info. also, if you are a pet monkey owner, i love you.

    if you're just a monkey fan, or a pet monkey fan or a pet monkey owner fan (i am a fan of all 3, yes) then this site is also great for you--lots of pictures.

    Let's start with the monkey holiday pictures.

    okay. now. but most especially this one:

    uncle sam monkey waves a club at you menacingly

    i wish more pet owners would take the opportunity to criticize US foreign policy with their pet photos. that is the best.

    most of the above are from this page.

    [thanks, andrew. wow.]

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    new Daft Punk video, one more time
    (that one's quicktime.)

    and another new Daft Punk video, aerodynamic (realvideo)

    the music's just okay (i guess there's some new law about how all new music has to use that vocoder effect), but the videos are way cool.

    they were directed by famous (or so i'm told) anime director, Reiji Matsumoto and follow the conventions of anime (again, as i'm told), all to the music of Daft Punk. And i guess every other song on their new album is going to have another piece of the video story.

    maybe you all have seen this already, but please remember that i don't have cable, so i operate under a cable-deficit and also i'm easily impressed.

    [thanks, José.]

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    Evany's anecdote archive
    lots of words, it's true. but don't be afraid of reading them because the anecdotes are pretty great.

    Read "BJ and The Bear" because the Ben and Jerry's degrading job interview rules--as a story, not as an experience, except that as an experience it yields such a great story.

    And please allow me to direct your attention to the anecdote entitled, "Full Service Garage."

    Also, this line is the best: "You are all invited to my house for tea and babyfood!"

    (full-disclosure P.S.--I found this because it links to yours truly. Does that make me a slut?)

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    from soultrain.com.

    i can only half-follow this, but i like the goth-teen-esque indignation combined with awkward puffed-up language. Dig:

    black plastic garbage bag with mysterious old lady smell
    i pretty much summed this one up in the title above. i don't know where the plastic bag came from or what it held before it held styrofoam peanuts, but everyone who's come in contact with it has asked why it smells like old lady.


    03.30.01 Sears portrait with Alf
    Referee Alf (not actually Alf, but an oversized, misshapen Alf impersonator), wearing Ray Bans, has his photo taken at Sears with a little girl.

    [thanks, Scout.]

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    vita hair
    new artifact in the misterpants artifact collection. nothing beats a baby made to look like a middle-aged man.

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    things not to do on a unicycle

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    Freddi C rocks my world
    okay, i saw these in Culture Cache gallery in San Francisco. And like most things (present company excluded), they're better in person than online. Online, you can't tell that they're paintings done to look like they're silk-screened. And, well scale, too, of course because bigger = better. Still, check 'em!

    On guerillaone.com, there are about 6 more.

    P.S. Freddi is a girl.

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    chattacon pic
    light-saber, check. Book of Days, check. rope belt, check. green hand and neck make-up, check. floppy hat, check. red dress with lace collar, check.

    and a second photo, featuring 2 braveheart highland warriors with anachronistic headsets.
    food stylist dream
    every time i write about a dream, i promise myself to never do it again. and this dream is no exception. this is absolutely the very last one i ever write about, ever.

    i was a food stylist and i was working just outside the Hostess factory, styling a TV dinner. And I ran out of corn, so I went over to this enormous pile of corn and climbed up on top of it, collecting kernels of corn. But as I was collecting the corn, a huuuuge hen (like 4 feet tall!) came by. And I was all scared that the hen was going to be upset that I was taking its corn.

    The End.
    Advanced Dungeons and Dragons country music
    probably this has already been done, but i'd like to try my hand at it anyway--a country band which sings about Dungeons and Dragons: songs about great characters, exciting campaigns, monsters, etc.

    i woke up the other day with this part of a song in my head:

    "he's a fourth level cleric
    in love with a third level elf
    and he loves her in spite of
    her twelve charisma and eleven health."

    and so on.

    for like 10 albums.