12.02.00 follow-up piece in The Standard on that great Rodney Rothman New Yorker story, "My Fake Job"
so, if you haven't yet, you have to find a way to read "My Fake Job" from the November 27 issue of The New Yorker.

In it, Rothman wanders into a dot-com start up in New York's Silicon Alley, finds himself a desk, and gets the receptionist to set him up with a phone extension. He then continues to show up for 2 weeks, claiming to be a Junior Project Manager recently transferred from Chicago, to anyone who asks. It's a really great piece.

But apparently, Luminant, the company who didn't hire him but was graced by his presence, is considering legal action.

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The Don West Appreciation Page
i guarrantee that you will not be disappointed if you scroll down and click on every single one of those audio files. most especially do not miss the first one, "Don's Gem Mint Ten Compilation." That one is seriously so good! And only ~170k.

when they build a hall of fame for home shopping sports collectible tv personalities, it had better be named after Don West.

also here are some don west and kenny theories which are mostly in-jokes. but i was actually interested (and shocked!) to hear that the show is pre-taped. and i like the idea that Kenny (the guy on the phone, traveling the country, making deals) is really just in the other room.

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dondance page
like hamsterdance...but don west. so it's... well yeah.

also here's a page with an even weirder dancing Don. dancing in a bowling alley.

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Don West superhero journal
truly inspired fan fiction about Don West hooking up with superheros, building a super hero chopper, .

"If only my powers had come to me before I became the King of Shopping Media I could have devoted more time to the superhero lifestyle and not the pressures of the airways. To think that I could be out saving more people from the ills of the Villianry from the wee hours of night (12-3am EST most evenings) drives me mad. Mad to the point that the booze doesn't help anymore."

i had a hard time choosing between that excerpt and one about Wonder Woman's invisible jet.

more orgy
much, much more. so much more, it's like an orgy orgy.

not really. but you can understand how i couldn't resist an opportunity to use that phrase. orgy orgy, that is. (ha, now i used it twice. it's as if i'm just baiting more crazy referrer hits.)

so, this is the other thing i was wondering about. what if you were going to host an orgy and one person showed up super early. would you turn them away because the orgy's not going to start for another couple hours? or would you invite them in because maybe they can help set up for the orgy?

also, if you're a guest, probably best not to arrive too early or you might have to do a lot of awkward sitting around (naked?) with the host. also, put some thought into what an appropriate gift might be. (erotic pastries?)

and then also this. what if you showed up for an orgy and then got all naked and were hanging out, waiting for it to start and then you realized that this was the wrong party, that this evening's is like a birthday party or something and the orgy isn't until friday? what about that?

hey, what if you were someone who goes to orgies and you yourself were planning a big, elaborate orgy and then no one showed up? or worse yet, what if only one person showed up and it was someone you didn't really like very much? would you feel obligated to have sex with that person?

"i want to apologize for the lackluster orgy. usually my orgies are much better than this. what's say we have a mini orgy for 2?"

or would you call the whole thing off?

"i'm sorry but the orgy has been canceled."

i don't really want to know the answer; it's just something for you to think about.

oh, but maybe i really should put a sign up on my front door that simply says that. "i'm sorry but the orgy has been canceled."
11.29.00 some good diary entries
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more chinchilla pictures
i hear that chinchillas make good pets. unlike you, they're very loving and they don't smell.

haha, no.

you still haven't tired of chinchilla pictures? well here's some more.

and even more, including, 3 chinchillas in cups.

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recipe for chinchilladas.

if i was a chinchilla, i would make bumperstickers that had a picture of a chinchilla and then the words, "2 cute 2 B eaten!"

(as a side note, it would be great if someone made bumper stickers with George W. Bush's face followed by the words, "2 dumb 2 B prez!")

also, here's the same recipe done in flash, which i think should win some sort of Flash Gratuitousness award, for which there's some very tough competition.

this site also has more chinch pics and this info, "NOTE: chinchilla ears and tails are *NOT* edible."

[thanks alice]

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andrew's squirrel mansion
"Let me tell you about the four main kinds of tree squirrels here in USA...."

i wish i lived in a squirrel mansion.

don't miss the modest collection of squirrel memorabilia.

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alan jackson brings us a wonderful terrible popular country song about the internet. worth listening to because it borders on self-parody and because he actually sings the phrase, "www."

"no, you won't have to touch me or even take my hand
just slide your little mouse around until you see it land
at www dot memory..."

napster it. or listen here. or grab it from my idrive thingy.

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"a digital design studio specialized in new media and high end... [blah blah blah]"

nice-looking page. maybe kinda heavy download, but nice spacemen and cubes.

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Santa Rampage New Orleans 2000
see also santarchy, which pretty much everyone knows already, i figure. but click around and read bits and pieces because it's all so brilliant and insane and hilarious. drunk and disorderly santas are the best santas.

[via cardhouse's own Dr. Cliff.]

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chinchilla stamps

looks like for Bolivia's, the stamp designer forgot it was due the next day and had to find some weird old chinchilla photo they had in a drawer.


[thanks, Scout! Which, oh my god, you have to read Scout's diary entry for 11/28 because it's got almost everything you could want in a diary entry: shoplifting, an LSD Love Cult, and most especially 3 men dressed as cowboys exposing their bare buttocks. (Hello bare buttocks cowboy search engine referrer hits!)]"

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story about a chinchilla being naughty
from chinchland.co.uk.

11.23.00 nude suit
"It's perfect for Halloween, Birthdays, Valentine's Day, Bachelorette Parties, Christmas, Anniversaries, Graduation, Spring Break, Cruises and Vacations...."

merry christmas, grandma! i know how much you like being nude without being naughty. so now you can get all the shock and resultant ogling of nakedness without actually letting strangers stare at your genitalia!

[thanks a ton, andrew of gmt+9!]

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solving rubiks cube for speed

probably useful when you find that you need to solve the rubik's cube quickly. but mostly awesome for the java-animations of the cube being solved.

note also the great writing. new terminology has been invented for this and we're not simply solving the cube, we're gettiing ourselves in the state of mind conducive to fastest possible cube solving.

"Now it's time for the endgame. Here we do not think. We recognise patterns and apply rules."

with that mental conditioning, it's no wonder Lars Petrus finished 4th in the World Championship in Budapest in 1982!

every single picture on that world championship page rules.

11.22.00 drop net 001
Hello! We are DROP!"

just a few pages here for a fun-looking free japanese magazine which features cover artwork by nekonoko ("baby cat") who i'm a big fan of. this small gallery is really great, especially the 3 illustrations on the far right.

oh, and elsewhere, here's nekonoko's 2001 calendar. nice!

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nice illustration gallery
from the Japanese artist nicory. not coincidentally, nicory is also featured in the above drop net magazine.

the images are small, fun, and fast-loading, so if you have time, you can check them all out. if not, highlights include:
this is nasty.

maybe skip this if you don't want to read something nasty.

one of the people who sublet (subletted? subleased?) the apartment while i was in japan did yoga against this one wall and left a big stain.

ugh. so nasty.

isn't that nasty?


11.21.00 japanese milk cartons
"gyuunyuu" is the Japanese word for cow's milk. isn't that so perfect? it totally sounds like milk would sound if it could talk. that is, if milk had its own language, it would consist of words that sound similar to "gyuunyuu."

[via gmt+9.]

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Annotated Ratherisms
don't read the article--just scan for the awesome collection of Dan Rather metaphors.

"This race is as tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-hot car ride back from the beach."

[via ampersand.]

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new animated gif from Takahashi-san

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tanks and bubblegum
i enjoyed the latest issue, issue 4, so i'm drawing your attention to this mailing list again. issue 3 was good too.

(oh, and while i'm at it, let me plug pantsmail once more. have i plugged it too much already? has misterpants become too commercial? i remember when it was all about the links.)

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good. but would be better if the site's author was a little less aware that collecting photos of electrical towers and putting them on the web is an odd thing to do.

somewhat-related bonus link: why you should join the National Insulator Association.

oh, and a bonus bonus link: a collection of old insulator show trophies. because nowadays it's not weird enough to just collect porcelain insulators. if you want to really put yourself out there, you have to collect old trophies given to collectors of porcelain insulators.

[thanks kevin]

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monkey am i hot or not?
don't worry monkey--you're hot!

[thanks, Sarah]

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the first ever sugar packets
courtesy of the UK Sucrologists Club.

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such a good idea. i love this. i have no idea how feasible the urban planning part of all this is, but man, wouldn't it be great if more cities didn't allow cars inside?

it's hard to imagine it happening in a country where laws and city planning decisions are approved by elected officials who need lots of money to get elected and who receive that money from powerful industries like the automobile industry and oil companies, but it's a great idea to shoot for. and maybe if campaign finance reform ever happens, car-free cities could happen.

then again, campaign finance reform is hard to imagine in a country where elected officials need lots of money to get elected... etc.

[Thank you, José]
Seattle's Experience Music Project is interesting-looking but also ugly and way too expensive
I was going to write a review of Seattle's Experience Music Project, but then I realized that a) I didn't really go into the museum itself and b) I pretty much summed it up in the headline. Oh, but then I kind of ended up writing one anyway. Basically, rock music doesn't much need a cheesy themepark tribute to it. Especially not one that costs $20 per person to get in.

The architecture of the space is interesting, and Frank Gehry's methods of making it are also interesting--but beyond the scope of this half-assed review. Interesting... envelope-pushing... good that someone's experimenting... but still ugly and intestinal-looking.

My original thesis was that $20 tickets and ostentatious, cutting-edge, ugly, bulging architecture are antithetical to the spirit of rock music. But then I was thinking about things like The Rolling Stones' Steel Wheels tour and other gross contemporary rock mega-events and decided i wasn't interested in defending rock and roll.

So, if you go to the EMP, just check out the lobby; don't buy a ticket and go into the museum proper. Oh, and to get there, you can take a monorail, which monorails rule of course.

11.15.00 basketball dog graphic
Here is the basketball-playing dog graphic file you requested.

(please note: when making a basketball uniform for your dog, it's more comfortable for the dog, and everyone really, if you cut a little hole for the tail.)

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this is pretty good. they cite sources and present information about the Florida election process in a reasonable and unsensational manner.

The "myth... fact!" format kind of sucks though. Like it works better for crazy hysterical John Birch society type writing than for this.

[thank you, Ernie.]

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recipe corner
[Thanks, Sarah.]

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Canadian mottos, emblems, symbols, slogans
better than the american ones because they have tartans and because several Canadian mottos are almost reasonable and fewer are completely nonsensical.

oh, also Quebec's stone/gem/mineral is asbestos.

[Thanks, Jane. Tiki Jane.]

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2 wrestlers in huge foam cowboy hats
probably you'll want this for your desktop image. Big foam cowboy hats are infinitely sublime.

[via andrew.]

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sweetbread interactive cuts of beef chart
wow. so insane. try to save the pleasure of mousing over the 'sweetbreads' part until the very end. savor it.

[thanks, Sarah.]
Oh, hey, don't let George W. Bush keep acting like his presidency is inevitable while I'm out, okay? Also tell him to keep his nose clean and to stop acting like a pud. And when you say the part about keeping his nose clean, look directly at him and put lots of meaning in the words "nose clean" but don't make it totally obvious what you're hinting at. Not that he's likely to catch on, you know, what with the slowness and all.

11.13.00 state nicknames, flowers, birds, trees, and mottos
Tar heel, Sooner, Hoosier, Beaver, Beehive, Badger, Buckeye, Cornhusker, Jayhawker, Show Me.

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fun japanese design. check out their portfolio, mostly.

favorites include but are not limited to the following:
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awesome. awesome. flying machine. gimme.

[thanks Dennis.]
useful information
This is really good to know. Very handy info. If you want to be president of the United States, one thing you can try is to file a court order to stop the electoral process at a point where you're winning.

Another thing you can do, is to pretend that you're the president, even before anyone elects you. Just get all your buddies to walk around and act like you're the president.

And if anyone tells you that you're acting like an self-entitled arrogant ass (which they won't because for some reason no one ever really questions you), then just squint your beady eyes and say that you just want what's best for the American people.
this is me acknowledging that this page has been kind of slow, lately. that's because i've been busy: i piled up a bunch of rocks on top of myself. and then i had to dig my way out of them. and then i did it again. and again. and again.

that's how it FEELS anyway.

don't look at me.
11.10.00 sounds of the worlds' animals
especially, monkey, of course. animal noises translated into 25 or so different languages. This is better than a phrasebook because the animal noises are the best part of any language.

t face="Verdana,Arial,sans-serif" size="-1" color=#FFFF00>

How to make friends in Korea:
  1. Go to Korea.
  2. Point at a duck.
  3. Say, "kkoyk-kkoyk."

    [thank you Leslie.]

Hey, look!
There have been changes afoot at MisterPants.com.

While you've been wasting your time playing solitaire and watching Judge Judy, we've been hard at work on improving this page.

Some said that the page in its previous incarnation was pretty darn near perfection, but we looked at the idea of outdoing perfection as just the sort of challenge that we like to undertake. Because here at MisterPants.com, we're never satisfied unless it's late or we're tired.

Our extra special improvements include:
  • Smaller, anti-aliased, better-balanced logo.

  • And for our IE viewers, new blue pulldown back issue navigation.

  • Extra love. We've added a whole lot more love to the site.
We hope that these changes will add to your enjoyment of the site, although it's hard to imagine that they would have any affect at all.

[I'm not sure why the above is in first-person plural.]
11.09.00 japanese mcdonald's ad
so great. family visits a shrine to pray for half-priced filet of fish sandwiches.

[via jimwich.]

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awesome shockwave toy. kind of like a pyschedelic photoshop for kids. but even better than that, really. by Okamura Hiroshi of Ages 5 and Up, who have some other pretty great stuff, including work that was in an old issue of Gasbook and a Playstation game called LSD.

[thanks, Chisato.]